Mind Your Manners - An exclusive interview
with Ms. Teo Ser Lee
By Suzanne Lim, Elle, May
2004
Good manners are timeless, but living in the 21st centuruy
has it’s own set of complications. So what’s a
girl to do? Suzanne Lim consults the etiquette expert.
Weddings and then some
Q: You’re attending a wedding where the bride
is clearly pregnant. Is it appropriate to send her baby-related
items as a wedding gift? At the wedding, is it all right to
talk about the impending arrival of the baby?
A: In our conservative society, people may
still be reluctant to talk about pregnancy before marriage,
so it’s better to remain silent about it and give the
couple a normal wedding gift, like an ang pow.
Q: Your good friend is getting divorced. Is it ever
in good taste to throw a “single again” party
to announce that she’s on the market again?
A: While some people are truly happy to
be liberated from an unhappy marriage, many aren’t.
Anyone going through a divorce is usually not having a good
time of it. Your friend is not a commodity that is now available
for sale on the market, so there’s no need to shout
about it.
The Dating Blues
Q: After two dates, you haven’t heard from the
cute guy who said “I’ll call you.” What’s
the newest, classiest way to find out why?
A: Give him a courtesy to call or email
and ask him how things have been for him since you last met.
This way, you’re seen to be polite and not pushy. If
he says he’s been busy, then that could be the reason
for not calling. But if he gives some wishy-washy excuse,
then it’s clear that he’s not keen on you. Give
him up!
Q: You made a new male friend in the Internet chat
room. But when you finally meet up, he looks nothing like
what he described himself to be and you don’t get along
in person as well as on the Net. What’s the best way
to break it off?
A: If you’re meeting up for a meal, call it a day subtly.
This approach works well especially if you’re meeting
on a weeknight because you can always plead an early start
at the office the next day. You can choose to continue the
relationship purely over the Internet or if you’d rather
have no more contact with him, fade out quietly from the chat
room.
Moving in and Staying over – The Pitfalls
Q: You’re dating a divorced man living with his kids.
There’ll come a time when he’ll want you to stay
the night. What’s the best way to deal with it? Should
you buy “welcome” gifts for his kids in an effort
to win them over?
A: In the expert’s opinion it’s
best if you don’t stay the night. It’ll be difficult
for the kids to accept and respect another woman who just
stays over. You should tell him that the feelings of his children
matter to you and that you want your relationship with them
to start off on the right foot. He should understand and not
feel hurt or offended – after all, the feelings of his
kids should matter most to him.
The Ex Files
Q: You’re separated from your husband and are
considering divorce. Unfortunately, you still live together
because the property prices are so low that to sell your home
now would be financial suicide. Is it all right to then bring
your new boyfriend home?
A: In the eyes of the law, you’re
still married, so it’s highly inappropriate for you
to bring another man back to your matrimonial home. Either
you or your husband should definitely consider moving out
because if you are planning to petition for a divorce on the
ground of three years’ separation with consent, you
need to be living apart for consecutive three years. Further,
your husband may use your bringing back of your boyfriend
as proof of adultery on your part.
Q: Your ex-boyfriend calls you up and tells you that
he’s realized that he’s actually gay. How should
you handle it?
A: Tell him you’re glad that he’s
finally realized his true inclination and wish him luck!
That’s what friends are for
Q: Your still-single friend is asking you why she
is still single. Frankly, you’ve noticed that she acts
too desperate, or that she’s really bitchy to guys when
you go on group outings. What’s the best way to let
her know?
A: Using the “subtle direct”
approach and letting her know that she might want to give
the man some time to work up the courage to date her and go
out with others in the meantime. In the case of the bitchy
friend, you may want to gently tell her hat she should show
her usual feminine and charming side more often to people
she meets.
Q: You bump into a classmate you haven’t seen
in years who’s obviously had some “work done.”
What’s the appropriate response? If you’re really
impressed with the results can you ask for the name of her
plastic surgeon?
A: If she’s not admitting to the fact
that she’s had plastic surgery, it’s not appropriate
for you to bring up the subject and embarrass her. However,
you many comment that you’re thinking of getting some
work done yourself and casually ask her if she knows any good
plastic surgeons around. That way, she can recommend someone
to you without actually admitting to having had any work done.
Sticky issues with the boss
Q: Your boss sends out a multi-recipient email directing
you to do something that’s out of your job scope. Is
it polite to send him a reply telling him that this is someone
else’s job and that he should check with that person
or send your boss a reply about the mistake and copy everyone
on it?
A: The most important thing is not to embarrass
your boss. Email your boss to tell him nicely that this is
someone else’s area of expertise and that perhaps he
would like to check with him. Your boss should be able to
recognize his blunder and send an email to him to explain
the situation.
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